HAHAH.. I just peed myself!

This is the best essay on architecture EVER… It is by a writer named Annie Choi from New York City. It was originally published in the Vol II, 2007 PIDGIN, from Princton University. Try not to choke on your spittle... (I apologize beforehand for her profanity if it offends you... she has a potty mouth)!

Dear Architects, I am sick of your shit.

Once, a long time ago, in the days of yore, I had a friend who was studying architecture to become, presumably, an architect. This friend introduced me to other friends, who were also studying architecture. Then these friends had other friends who were architects—real architects doing real architecture like designing luxury condos that look a lot like glass dildos. And these real architects knew other real architects and now the only people I know are architects. And they all design glass dildos that I will never work or live in and serve only to obstruct my view of New Jersey.
Do not get me wrong, architects. I like you as a person. I think you are nice, smell good most of the time, and I like your glasses. You have crazy hair, and if you are lucky, most of it is on your head. But I do not care about architecture. It is true. This is what I do care about:
Burritos
Hedgehogs
Coffee
As you can see, architecture is not on the list. I believe that architecture falls somewhere between toenail fungus and invasive colonoscopy in the list of things that interest me.
Perhaps if you didn’t talk about it so much, I would be more interested. When you point to a glass cylinder and say proudly, hey my office designed that, I giggle and say it looks like a bong. You turn your head in disgust and shame. You think, obviously she does not understand. What does she know? She is just a writer. She is no architect. She respects vowels, not glass cocks. And then you say now I am designing a lifestyle center, and I ask what is that, and you say it is a place that offers goods and services and retail opportunities and I say you mean like a mall and you say no. It is a lifestyle center. I say it sounds like a mall. I am from the Valley, bitch. I know malls.
Architects, I will not lie, you confuse me. You work sixty, eighty hours a week and yet you are always poor. Why aren’t you buying me a drink? Where is your bounty of riches? Maybe you spent it on merlot. Maybe you spent it on hookers and blow. I cannot be sure. It is a mystery. I will leave that to the scientists to figure out.
Architects love to discuss how much sleep they have gotten. One will say how he was at the studio until five in the morning, only to return again two hours later. Then another will say, oh that is nothing, I haven’t slept in a week. And then another will say, guess what, I have never slept ever. My dear architects, the measure of how hard you’ve worked and how much you’ve accomplished is not related to the number of hours you have not slept. Have you heard of Rem Koolhaas? He is a famous architect. I know this because you tell me he is a famous architect. I hear that Rem Koolhaas is always sleeping. He is, I presume, sleeping right now. And I hear he gets shit done. And I also hear that in a stunning move, he is making a building that looks not like a glass cock, but like a concrete vagina. When you sleep more, you get vagina. You can all take a lesson from Rem Koolhaas.
Life is hard for me, please understand. Architects are an important part of my existence. They call me at eleven at night and say they just got off work, am I hungry? Listen, it is practically midnight. I ate hours ago. So long ago that, in fact, I am hungry again. So yes, I will go. Then I will go and there will be other architects talking about AutoCAD shortcuts and something about electric panels and can you believe that is all I did today, what a drag. I look around the table at the poor, tired, and hungry, and think to myself, I have but only one bullet left in the gun. Who will I choose?
I have a friend who is a doctor. He gives me drugs. I enjoy them. I have a friend who is a lawyer. He helped me sue my landlord. My architect friends have given me nothing. No drugs, no medical advice, and they don’t know how to spell subpoena. One architect friend figured out that my apartment was one hundred and eighty-seven square feet. That was nice. Thanks for that.
I suppose one could ask what someone like me brings to architects like yourselves. I bring cheer. I yell at architects when they start talking about architecture. I force them to discuss far more interesting topics, like turkey eggs. Why do we eat chicken eggs, but not turkey eggs? They are bigger. And people really like turkey. See? I am not afraid to ask the tough questions.
So, dear architects, I will stick around, for only a little while. I hope that one day some of you will become doctors and lawyers or will figure out my taxes. And we will laugh at the days when you spent the entire evening talking about some European you’ve never met who designed a building you will never see because you are too busy working on something that will never get built. But even if that day doesn’t arrive, give me a call anyway, I am free.

Yours truly, Annie Choi

Enjoying the FBR Open (AKA the T&A Open)

Last week my brother Chris, who is the COO of a digital media/advertising company invited me to go with him to the FBR Open, which is the PGA tournament here in Scottsdale. Now, I have never been to the FBR, but I have heard a whole lot about it. For example, it has the highest attendance of all the events on the PGA Tour, it is the most rowdy, Happy-Gilmore-like event, and it is basically the biggest drunk-fest, party all day and night, crazed sex-charged atmosphere in golf! Of course I agreed to go.

Chris was lucky enough to score tickets to Sprint’s Penthouse on the 18th hole. It was basically a VIP, two-story tent with two bars, a whole lot of really good food, a poor guy in a suit rolling cigars all day in the sun, and free crap. Plus you had a great view of the 18th hole, and all the people, (or commonfolk as we refered to them that day), that walked around below, (people-watching can be so fun). We got to see all the FBR in its full glory as the drunk, obnoxious, loud, and often scantily clad people walked around below us. One of the funniest were these two girls wearing tight pink tee-shirts that said “Fun Bags” on the front, and “Want some?” on the back. They were advertising for a plastic surgeon in Scottsdale. Ahh, the lovely world of advertising… Well Chris and I enjoyed some golf, ate as much as possible, grabbed some free stuff, and left around 2:30. Right before all the really rowdy stuff started going down in preparation for the parties at the “Bird’s Nest” afterwards. I will say, if I ever go to that tournament again it will have to be as a VIP again… I do not think I could handle it without the free food.

These photos are from the Penthouse looking at the 18th hole. One is inside with all the glorious food, and the other from the balcony

REVIT – the bane of my existence or key to productivity

So this blog is more focused to those of you that work in my proud profession, I am sorry if it is a little boring. I recently started using a new program to complete the necessary drawings for projects we do. It is not just a drawing tool any longer, but a tool that allows us expand what we do a great deal. In theory, Revit allows you to draw an element like a wall or a door just once, give it specific characteristics, and that is all. It will be drawn in every other view whether it is a plan, elevation, 3D view, or even a schedule. You can make it as detailed as you want to. In theory this sounds great. You can do it once and it is all ready for you. Of course there are a few more steps than simply drawing lines, but still it must be sooo much better right?!

Well, as we have been implementing this new program I have often had the unique pleasure of feeling LIKE THE STUPIDIST PERSON ON THE PLANET EARTH!!!!
I have never encountered a program that was such a pain in the a@$ !!!! I know exactly what I need to do, what needs to be drawn, but it simply will not allow me to do it. ERROR, ERROR, ERROR, YOU NEED TO DO THIS TO DO THAT, THAT IS NOT A MODIFIABLE ELEMENT, IT’S A INSTANCE PARAMETER, NOT A TYPE PARAMETER!!!!!!!!!!!!
KILL ME PLEASE!!!!!!!!!

Now that that is out of the way, I will say that I understand that this is the future, and I was even told that it would be frustrating for a while. Eventually, like many others on my team that have used for a bit longer, Revit will slowly begin to reveal itself, and the proverbial light bulb will begin to flicker and slowly become a source of illumination. I understand all this, I really do. BUT WHEN THE H@LL DOES THIS HAPPEN!!!!!

I am sorry, but I really need to vent, and this seems a logical place to do it. I am sure that my wife appreciates me yelling at the computer instead of her. Well, off I go to try to finish a door schedule!